


skinny

by orphan_account



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anorexia, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Eating Disorders, Sad Wilbur Soot, Wilbur Soot Needs a Hug, Wilbur Soot-centric, if you find this for the love of god do NOT talk about it on tl, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27081403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: i have never thought that what i'm going to do may be bad,i never wanted it to be something bad.i just wanted to be like them.i found a weird side of twitter. ed twitter. i have heard of them but i never took any interest in them.  i wish it could have stayed this way.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 129





	skinny

**Author's Note:**

> this is NOT about the real wilbur. i'm just using his character to vent, i just don't know how to deal with shit, if he ever stumbles upon this fanfic and is uncomfortable with it i will take it down, no questions asked. i'm just using my comfort character to deal with shit i guess

my mind went to blur when i hit “create a new account” button. i tried to make my profile seem nothing like me. i really don’t want anyone finding out about this. 

i stayed on there for the rest of the night. reading threads about how low restricting made them pretty, how to exercise. following random accounts that seemed nice. all of them seemed to be obsessed with their bodies. striving for perfection. i didn’t blame them. 

i could do that too. i always have been ambitious. reaching for things everyone didn’t believe i could. i liked proving people they’re wrong about me. i like to prove myself they were wrong. 

i started right away. i lived alone so one could take me away from reaching my goal. i did two nights of heavy research, reading and writing spreadsheets of what i can and cannot eat, how to act and what to say when asked about it. i slowly started obsessing over it, weighing myself at least two times a day and counting every calorie that went into my mouth. i even started saving all the pretty thinspo pictures to keep myself motivated. to remember what my goal is, why am i doing this to myself. 

don’t get me wrong, i knew this isn’t healthy. but if so many people do this and it works for them..... why wouldn’t i try? i saw a lot of kids on there. some of them even 12 or 13. i guess mental illness doesn’t have a certain age.

-

few weeks went by and i even saw small results. 6kgs in two weeks. it wasn’t much but it made my ribs show off even more when i sucked in. it just made me want more. no, it made me NEED more. i set up a goal for myself. my ugw. 60kg. my bmi would be 15. i really wanted to reach that. 

i hated fasting. it always made me dizzy and weak. i let myself eat only 1000 cal a day. 1500 less than i needed. but it didn’t matter, it worked, right? i saw pros but i couldn’t overlook the cons.   
it made my hands shake even more than they used to. tommy saw that when we went to grab a coffee few days ago. we met to talk about youtube and making more content together. he made a joke that i’ve been drinking too much monsters on stream. he was kind of right. i started drinking a shit ton of them because i was tired. really tired. blue and purple bags started appearing under my eyes. i even had to ask niki for advise when i had to get myself a concealer to at least try and hide it from the camera. she questioned it at first since i never wore makeup but i told her i’ve been having trouble sleeping.   
i had to maintain my hyper energized persona for streams and videos. i couldn’t let myself make anyone even slightly worried. this was about me and me only. i told tommy not to worry about it. i had to get my shit together. 

-

four months had passed since i started the account. i lost 30 pounds. i liked counting it in pounds because it seemed like i lost way more. i was 165 pounds now. 35 more to reach my goal. i could finally see my ribs without sucking in. i even could wrap my hand around my wrist and touch every finger. i felt good about myself. i even posted few bodychecks. a lot of people praised me for my boney hips, flat stomach and long skinny arms but that only made me want to loose more. 

as i said, there were pros and cons. i don’t think i can stop anymore though.  
i often cry when i just can’t stop myself from eating even if it’s 50 cal over my limit. it’s 600 now. i became a lot more impulsive and easily annoyed. there were even times when i completely lost control and binged on whatever i could find in my home. my worst binge was 5k and i cried myself to sleep that night. i fasted for almost a week after that because i was so terrified of going back to my old weight. i had to stop after 4 days because i passed out in my bedroom. i didn’t even know how long i was out. it scared the living shit out of me and i had to let myself eat. 

my hair started falling out too. i have to keep it longer so it still looks fluffy, thank god for curly hair. every time i stand up too fast i feel like fainting but it doesn’t bother me anymore. every time my mind tells me that i have gone too far i just touch my hipbones, trace my collarbones with my fingers just to remind myself WHY i’m doing this. my clothes started to feel more baggy than they used to. if i wasn’t such a giant, i would have to wear a smaller size. it made me smile. i liked how clothes looked hanging loosely on my body.   
i started hating looking at my older pictures though. i even had to ask people to stop putting me as their profile picture. it made me have anxiety attacks again. it was just 30 pounds ago but i could see how chubby my face looked, how thicker my arms and legs were. it only motivated me more. i can do so much more. i can go even further beyond. stay skinnier, more beautiful. 

my weight loss came alongside with a first intervention. it was five months after creating my account. it was from niki, fundy and tommy. i hated myself for making them worry about me.   
all three of them called me on discord. they all had their face cams on and told me to do the same. i started to sometimes stream without the face cam when i looked really tired.   
after a second request i gave in and turned it on. the shook i saw on floris and tommy’s face felt kind of empowering. it meant you could see the change. niki wasn’t surprised. she looked sad. i couldn’t even look at her face at the moment. niki was the last person in the universe that i wanted to hurt. “are you alright will?” was the first thing i heard after a second of silence. i didn’t even register who’s voice was that. oh yeah, right. i didn’t have time to cover the bags under my eyes. i nervously tweaked my glasses and looked at the camera trying to maintain my stoic expression. this won’t be an easy conversation. “yeah, i just had a few rough nights of editing, i don’t want to miss the uploads.” they nodded their heads with troubled expressions and my anxiety told me that knew what was going on.   
they asked how i lost this much weight. i tried to convince them that i started eating healthy and exercising. they just didn’t know how much.   
niki was silent almost the whole time and so was tommy. i don’t blame him, he’s just a kid, and i know that he sees me as an older brother. it’s awful that he has to look at me right now. i wish i could disappear without them knowing. i want to free them from taking responsibility over me. i’ve always been a burden for them. it hurt me that i made them feel this way. i didn’t deserve them. we talked for a few minutes after the uncomfortable conversation about my well-being. it was kind of late so we said our goodbyes but niki asked me to stay for a second longer and i couldn’t say no to her. i couldn’t hurt her even more. she asked me to stand up and lift my shirt. i stared at her for a second with a questioning look but i knew she wasn’t joking or playing. even through a pixelated screen i could see her glossy eyes and trembling lips. i couldn’t say no because that would be suspicious so i slowly stood up and lifted the shirt so it still covered my protruding ribs. i tried to bulge my stomach a little so it still seemed like i wasn’t underweight. it didn’t help much but that was all i could do. a single tear started running along her face when she thanked me for doing what she asked for. i tried to talk to her about anything else but i could see the worry in her eyes. i told her that i’m tired and i should get some sleep and she just nodded and left the call. i felt awful. she knew. i didn’t deserve to be treated that well. i cried myself to sleep that night. i may have had an anxiety attack and passed out because i woke up with a bruised hand and blood on my knuckles. funny how i write songs about angsty teen boys when i didn’t stop being one of them. i am just so tired


End file.
